Live and loud in cyberspace

With a mixture of sadness and relief that she's no longer in any discomfort, Lee passed away peacefully, holding my hand and surrounded by her brother and mum, on Monday morning at the Mary Potter Hospice after an inspirational fight against the big ugly disease that is cancer. 

We will be celebrating her life this Sunday, 10am at the Lychgate Funeral Home in Johnsonville. All are welcome - just don't forget about daylight savings!!

For those that aren't local, we will be beaming the service over the inter web through http://www.r2.co.nz/20100926/ which will also have a recording available after the event

With love,

El & Emily.

Happy Daffodil Day

Today (Friday 27 August 2010) is Daffodil Day. So this morning I shall send my husband down into little old Johnsonville to give money to a collector, and to get me a beautiful bunch of daffodils to take to Hamilton this afternoon.   Elliott and I are flying up with Emily, my Mum and step Dad to spend the weekend with my brother and his family which I'm really looking forward to.  It seems oddly appropriate that my Daffodil Day is going to be spent returning home and being with all of my family, and my dearest and closest friends who will be around for the afternoon (that's you Polly and Lisa!! x).  It wasn't planned this way - well, not by me anyway.  Maybe there were other forces at work here - and if that's the case then I'm grateful to them for it.  Spending this day - which I confess is a little emotional for me - with everyone who I love more than life itself will be very special to me.  But what will be even more special is when the time comes that Daffodil Day is no longer needed. That this disease is no longer a thief that steals our loved ones away from us without justice or permission.  And that a beautiful yellow daffodil becomes a symbol of the fight against Cancer that we won.  They also make pretty cupcake decorations......

Please RSVP in the affirmative.......

Forgive me for the absence of an update over these past 6 weeks (wow - where has that time gone??!!).  It hasn't been due to having nothing to say - but rather the exact opposite in that I have so much to say, and have been desperately searching for the right words to say it all.  This blog is by no means the answer to that search - and unfortunately doesn't contain the words of wisdom that will alleviate the constant ticking of my brain nor will it relieve my insomnia.  But here goes anyway.  


Yesterday morning (Sunday) at approximately 2.30am I was in some pain, which to be brutally honest with you, is becoming more frequent.  I took some drugs (again, becoming more frequent - but I'm okay with that part!) and sat at the breakfast bar having a cup of tea, pondering my existence as one does while morphine works its way through your system.  For those of you who know me, which I'm assuming given that you're reading this means you do, you'll know that I don't do pity.  I don't pity myself, and I sure as hell don't do pity from others.  So I found myself in the odd situation of not necessarily feeling what I would describe as pity for me - but rather envy for the simple, carefree, existence of someone else - even for just a day.  A day of no discomfort or pain, no drugs, no conversations about hospices or funerals, and where a good nights sleep meant more than 2 hours in one go.  A day where I could take a break from the increasingly rough road that my journey is becoming.  A day where I could walk in someone else's shoes - and forget the swelling in my ankles that is so bad that I can't fit my own.   


The daylight hours of Sunday brought with it the company and contact of some of my nearest and dearest friends,and was the perfect way to spend a day.  Over the course of this day, I was witness to the journeys of these friends - and the shoes that they walk in.  And it suddenly, and rather sharply, put into perspective my earlier assumption that everyone has it easier than me - and I was humbled.  The journeys of my friends are no less fraught that mine, and their shoes no more comfortable or easy to walk in.  I ended my day filled with love and admiration for the strength and dignity that these woman display as walk their paths facing challenges such as marriage difficulties, the search for someone to share life with, pregnancy issues, and being a mother about to lose her only daughter.  


I also ended my day with an invitation that I would like to extend to you. Rather than assume that spending time in someone else's shoes would offer a respite to my journey, I invite you to come over to my house, kick off your shoes and join me on the couch with a cup of tea and a cupcake and watch the world go by, even for an hour, .......shoeless - and we take a break from our journeys together.  I'll make the tea - you bring the cupcakes.  

First and Last

As any good parent does - I remember the day Emily was born vividly (and a little painfully to be honest!). It was a beautiful sunny morning, and she finally made an appearance at 10.24am on Friday 09 July 2004.  That was six years ago today.  In those six years I have witnessed her first bath, her first smile, her first word (Mummy), her first tooth, her first step, and her first Xmas.  I remember the first time she went on a plane, her first pair of jeans, her first childcare teacher (Kerry - we love you), her first sleepover, and her first day at school.


I also remember her first birthday like it was yesterday.  But it wasn't yesterday, because today my baby turned six, and it was the last birthday of hers I will celebrate.  It was the last time I will buy her pretty shoes that sparkle like diamonds in the sun.  It was the last time I will make her a birthday cake and blow candles out with her.  It was the last time I will sing her 'Happy Birthday' and watch her beautiful face glow with delight at the gorgeous presents she gets spoiled with.  It was the last time I will get to fuss over party invitations, and design and make home-made 'thank you' cards.   


These past six years have gone fast, and have been filled with so many 'firsts' that it seems wrong to be contemplating a 'last'.  The 'firsts' were too recent, and this 'last' is too soon.  There are still so many firsts that I have yet to experience. Her first crush, her first day at high school, her first driving lesson and her first concert.   Her first job, her first love, her first house, and her first born child.


But I know that despite my immeasurable heartache on this day, she will have something in this world so unique that it will never be able to be defined by 'first' or 'last' - because it is the 'only'.  It is the love that I have for my daughter as her mother.  And like all good things - it was built to last.  

The Face of a Woman

This evening I saw the face of a woman that caught my interest.  Her features were by no means striking or breathtaking - she had a petite face with pretty features.  Her hair was perfect, and her make-up subtle.  What fascinated me about this woman was her eyes and her smile.


Her eyes sparkled with a beauty that could only come from having a life so rich and rewarding that it shone through them like diamonds.  They were alive and vibrant - and gave a hint of the fun she had living the experiences that had shaped her into the woman I was staring at.   Her eyes held a touch of mischief, a dash of adventure, and a glint of true contentment.  Her eyes weren't searching for anything or anyone.  It was as if they had already found what they were looking for.  


Her smile was wide and bright - and told the tale of a life filled with laughter and love.  It was a smile that shone from the attention of her friends, and from the love of her family.  Her smile radiated like she didn't carry a care in the world, as if in that moment her life was so blessed by the presence of friends so true and amazing that she couldn't stop the joy from bursting out of her heart through her smile.  It was the smile of a woman that knew she had everything she could ever dream of having - and she was eternally grateful for it.


So after looking at this woman for what must have been a couple of minutes, and studying her as closely as I could - I smiled at her, and with perfect symmetry she smiled back at me.  Mirrors are good like that.  

A letter to God

22 Phillip Street
Johnsonville
WELLINGTON


16 June 2010


Dear God


I am writing to confirm that I would like to accept the position of your Executive Assistant starting within the next couple of months.  Before I commence this role, I'd like to take this opportunity to put a few things on the table for us to discuss, and for you to understand (and get sorted) prior to my imminent arrival.


Firstly, while I'm stoked to be offered this role so early in my mortal career, I have to say that it's a tad earlier than planned - and I hope that my professional development gives me the necessary skills to take over from the angel you currently have in the position.  I'll be honest - I'm a little nervous.  The office that I have down here is pretty cool, and while I know that the environment you'll be offering must be up there with the best, I really have made myself a nice little niche down here.  Don't get me wrong - I know that it's a big deal to be making my way up the 'Corporate Ladder' to you so soon, and I'm sure you're itching to get me settled in and started......I just really wanted you to know that I've had such a great time here it really is going to be a bit hard to leave.


When I arrive with you I'll be interested in getting involved in Workplace Safety and Wellbeing (my current focus and passion) and flexible working hours are also a big thing here on Earth - so we can make sure you have Best Practice when I arrive.  Leave it with me - I'll get it sorted.  I would also like to take an active role in any Social Committees that you have.  You may know that I'm super organised, and love getting things whipped into shape - so consider me your 'go-to-girl' for these things.  I'm picking you already know this about me, hence the call-up to come and be your 'gate keeper' (pun intended - get it??!!!!!). 


You'll also have to get used to my unique sense of humour.  I sing off key, but really don't care (the theme to 'The Love Boat' being a favourite).  Do you have 'Sing Star'?  I'm also a demon on the Wii (tennis) so get your tennis whites out.  It's all on like Donkey Kong!  I'll let you win the first couple....but then I won't be taking any prisoners.  I like my tea strong, and prefer cheese scones (heated with butter please) to fruit ones.  Shoes and handbags are my guilty pleasures - so I hope the salary package you're offering can accommodate my tastes for all things fine and Italian.  Long lunch hours are a must, and access to FaceBook would be nice if you can swing it?  Do you have a profile page?  Again, we can discuss - although I can appreciate the photo might be a bit tricky.


I'm picking there may a delay in filling my position here on Earth, and trust that your ultimate plan has this covered suitably.  We can discuss this in more length over a glass of bubbles one day, because this really is a very big deal to me.  Indulge me with the bigger picture please.  I'll shout the bubbles.


One final thing.  Upon arriving with you, I really would like to spend some time with my Dad, my daughter Samantha, and my Nana.  It's been a while since I've seen my Dad and my Nana, and as you know I never really got to meet my little girl - so I'm hoping you're okay if I hang out with them for a while before I come and assume my new role with you. 


So that's it really.  I'm picking the time frame can't be negotiated?  A wee bit more time would be nice.....but I trust you.  Please remember this come Annual Performance Review time.


Take care, and talk soon
Lee :)

Tea for two......

It's 8.00am on a rainy Monday morning, and I'm sitting here with a cup of tea wondering how to put into words the past few weeks of my life.  Needless to say it's been quite a roller coaster of emotion, and to be honest I think it's a task that will take more that one posting, so instead I will give you an insight into one day.......so here goes.

It's now 8.31am, it's still raining, and I'm about to make my second cup of tea.  In 31 minutes I have written a little more than a couple of dozen words.  I have, however, checked internet banking, downloaded emails, worn a Disney princess crown whilst pretending to be a Queen for Emily, text my best friend about catching up this afternoon, and put on a load of washing.  I'm also contemplating making some breakfast for Elliott who has had a well deserved sleep in this morning.  Bacon and eggs sounds good.  And a cup of tea.

9.38am and I have no idea where the past hour has gone!  Mornings always seem to pass quickly for me - don't ask me why.  The past 68 minutes has been spent making breakfast for my gorgeous husband - Eggs Benedict.  Yum.  I also put on another load of washing, and sent a few emails. El and I also had a brief discussion about how to tell our 5 year old daughter that the Dr's don't have any medicine to make Mummy better.  Terminal cancer is a concept that Emily won't understand - but I think death is.  The anniversary of Samantha was a year ago this past Thursday (03rd June) so she's had some exposure to loss - but to have to sit down with my beautiful princess and tell her that Mummy isn't going to be around to watch her grow up is something that not only breaks my heart, but shatters it entirely.  Is it too early in the morning to have something stronger than tea??

12.56pm.  A cup of tea and a gossip with one of my best friends has taken up the past couple of hours, and it's been lovely.  We filled her in on the details of our wonderful holiday in Disneyland and San Diego, and delighted her with photos and trinkets.  She's been my best friend for the past 7 years.....she's more like a sister than a best friend.  We had plans to go on a cruise around the Mediterranean when we were old and had blue rinse hair.  We were going to pester the cabana boys and wear inappropriate gold sparkly shoes while taking tango lessons on the Lido deck.   We were going to drink expensive cocktails out of fancy glasses, and wear huge black sunglasses as if we were famous actresses eluding the paparazzi.  I hope she still goes on the cruise, and has the time of her life - because that's what it's all about.  She will have enough fun for the both of us, and live life to the fullest for me.

5.40pm and I'm a bit knackered.  I've spent the afternoon drinking tea with my BFF from work who had her beautiful baby boy (Jacob Sullivan - welcome little man x) last week.  What a treasure.  Such a teeny tiny bundle of love and sunshine.  I looked at the peacefully sleeping face of the son of my dear friend, and silently apologised for the things I am going to miss out on - things I would have been right there at the side of his mother for.  I would have bought him new shoes when he took his first steps, and read Dr Seuss to him in a silly voice.  I would have rocked him to sleep in my arms while babysitting him - despite strict instructions from his Mum to let him settle in his cot.  I would have taken a million photos of him, and sung him a million lullabies.  I would have watched him grow into a boy, and then into a man - and as his Mum's BFF I would have offered her my hand to hold while she guided him on this journey.  But instead of doing these things I will look over him a different way.  I will be a guardian angel to him, and a guiding light to her.

10.32pm.  It has rained for most of the day, and as I sit here drinking a cup of tea I can hear it gently tapping at the window and on the roof.  It's been a long day.  Emily had an early night, a side effect from the time difference between here and LA.  I lay with her while she fell asleep, and nestled my face in her hair in an effort to commit the smell of her strawberry locks to memory.  I lay there and prayed to any and every God who could hear me to be frozen in this moment in time, resting peacefully with my perfect princess.  I prayed that in years to come she will have some memory of me.  I prayed that she will forgive me for not being here for her when she needs me in the years to come.  I prayed that she will know in her heart how much I love and cherish her.  And I prayed that she grows up knowing and accepting that what my life lacked in length, it made up for in substance.

And after such a day, I think I need another cup of tea.