It's 8.00am on a rainy Monday morning, and I'm sitting here with a cup of tea wondering how to put into words the past few weeks of my life. Needless to say it's been quite a roller coaster of emotion, and to be honest I think it's a task that will take more that one posting, so instead I will give you an insight into one day.......so here goes.
It's now 8.31am, it's still raining, and I'm about to make my second cup of tea. In 31 minutes I have written a little more than a couple of dozen words. I have, however, checked internet banking, downloaded emails, worn a Disney princess crown whilst pretending to be a Queen for Emily, text my best friend about catching up this afternoon, and put on a load of washing. I'm also contemplating making some breakfast for Elliott who has had a well deserved sleep in this morning. Bacon and eggs sounds good. And a cup of tea.
9.38am and I have no idea where the past hour has gone! Mornings always seem to pass quickly for me - don't ask me why. The past 68 minutes has been spent making breakfast for my gorgeous husband - Eggs Benedict. Yum. I also put on another load of washing, and sent a few emails. El and I also had a brief discussion about how to tell our 5 year old daughter that the Dr's don't have any medicine to make Mummy better. Terminal cancer is a concept that Emily won't understand - but I think death is. The anniversary of Samantha was a year ago this past Thursday (03rd June) so she's had some exposure to loss - but to have to sit down with my beautiful princess and tell her that Mummy isn't going to be around to watch her grow up is something that not only breaks my heart, but shatters it entirely. Is it too early in the morning to have something stronger than tea??
12.56pm. A cup of tea and a gossip with one of my best friends has taken up the past couple of hours, and it's been lovely. We filled her in on the details of our wonderful holiday in Disneyland and San Diego, and delighted her with photos and trinkets. She's been my best friend for the past 7 years.....she's more like a sister than a best friend. We had plans to go on a cruise around the Mediterranean when we were old and had blue rinse hair. We were going to pester the cabana boys and wear inappropriate gold sparkly shoes while taking tango lessons on the Lido deck. We were going to drink expensive cocktails out of fancy glasses, and wear huge black sunglasses as if we were famous actresses eluding the paparazzi. I hope she still goes on the cruise, and has the time of her life - because that's what it's all about. She will have enough fun for the both of us, and live life to the fullest for me.
5.40pm and I'm a bit knackered. I've spent the afternoon drinking tea with my BFF from work who had her beautiful baby boy (Jacob Sullivan - welcome little man x) last week. What a treasure. Such a teeny tiny bundle of love and sunshine. I looked at the peacefully sleeping face of the son of my dear friend, and silently apologised for the things I am going to miss out on - things I would have been right there at the side of his mother for. I would have bought him new shoes when he took his first steps, and read Dr Seuss to him in a silly voice. I would have rocked him to sleep in my arms while babysitting him - despite strict instructions from his Mum to let him settle in his cot. I would have taken a million photos of him, and sung him a million lullabies. I would have watched him grow into a boy, and then into a man - and as his Mum's BFF I would have offered her my hand to hold while she guided him on this journey. But instead of doing these things I will look over him a different way. I will be a guardian angel to him, and a guiding light to her.
10.32pm. It has rained for most of the day, and as I sit here drinking a cup of tea I can hear it gently tapping at the window and on the roof. It's been a long day. Emily had an early night, a side effect from the time difference between here and LA. I lay with her while she fell asleep, and nestled my face in her hair in an effort to commit the smell of her strawberry locks to memory. I lay there and prayed to any and every God who could hear me to be frozen in this moment in time, resting peacefully with my perfect princess. I prayed that in years to come she will have some memory of me. I prayed that she will forgive me for not being here for her when she needs me in the years to come. I prayed that she will know in her heart how much I love and cherish her. And I prayed that she grows up knowing and accepting that what my life lacked in length, it made up for in substance.
And after such a day, I think I need another cup of tea.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment